It wasn’t an easy journey. Every day, I have to deal with the negativity that comes with not being able to forgive people, and not being able to move on. Moving on wasn’t easy, as much as you would like to live your life normally, somehow, a tiny speck of the hurt would still ruin a part of your day.
The most important thing I did: I let go.
I let go of every possible negative emotion that I was still feeling. I realized that I kept it so buried that it was already starting to affect how I deal and face people. It started to affect my productivity. Letting go of everything and freeing my mind is the one thing that I have needed to do for the longest time. I started to forgive.
And how did I know that I’ve crossed this bridge? I didn’t. I feel it, in my heart deep down. It’s not really a mind thing or in knowing, because there really is no logic to forgiveness in my opinion. Why forgive someone who hurt you when you can have greater satisfaction in seeing Karma do it’s thing. Might as well see them suffer. But forgiveness is more of a feeling. You’ll know it when its done.
It actually wasn’t an expected one. This morning, I got a call from the person who hurt me, and he told me something that would usually send me fuming mad. I was surprised at how I reacted, I was calm. And the greatest part about all this is that I know that I did the right thing because I was doubly blessed. And I was able to feel God’s blessing and actually witnessed it with my very own eyes. Now, I realized that I don’t have any more reasons to complain.
I don’t have much, but I know I can still give more. What ever I have now is God’s absolute manifestation of His great love for me, that even though there were times that I feel like bitchin’ (pardon my language…ahrrm..), or there were moments that I did something crazy stupid from a lack of judgement because my brain didn’t function well at that moment, there’s always Someone who bailed me out.
With this, I asked myself how can I still be stingy with forgiveness, when it rained on me and never fell short of it, especially during moments when I know I’m not really worthy. Well, we can always blame it on our being human and imperfections.
So, I think that I am ready for the next stage in my life. I don’t really have an idea of what is in store for me, but I do hope that my dream board starts manifesting. My career is lifting off and new and better opportunities started knocking at my door. I just have to choose which doors to open.
Meanwhile, I’ll savor my new-found freedom and enjoy life with my kids. Love will come knocking at the right time, if it is meant to be. By then, I would be ready to take a chance again, to gamble at love and take the risk.
Till then, I am what I am now, I am where I am supposed to be at this very moment and I feel what I am supposed to be feeling right now. All in all, I guess, my life isn’t that bad after all.
Keeping the faith,